Philosophical Musing #11
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about career vs. family, which was triggered by an event that occurred yesterday. My cousin has opened a restaurant in Stockholm, and he invited us to attend a barbeque there, because this weekend is a public holiday in Sweden. It's a holiday called Midsummer, and basically the tradition is to dance around a phalic symbol, to celebrate summer(?) or the fertility of the earth(?) or something like that. Regardless, it's a day that is usually celebrated with family or friends, kind of like Christmas family spirit, I suppose. We ate lots of yummy things, like prawns, sweet potatos, and corn at the barbeque. My sister wanted to eat the biiiggest lobster, but when she opened it, there was a lot of black runny stuff, which was apprently its poo, and she lost her appetite, hoho. Anyway, I did not intend to muse about the food, so I'll move on to my main point.
There were several other regular guests at the restaurant too, who were mostly drinking. My cousin said they were all single people, without families. That must have been true, why else would they be sitting and drinking by themselves on a day to feast with your family? There was a man who even got so drunk that he peed his pants, threw up, and even fell flat on his front when he stood up to take a step. No one kept an eye on him, and he got that drunk. When he sat down, his pee was still dripping, and he started to cry, he was a mess, and it was quite a sight, making me feel sympathetic and pitiful for him. What happened to him? Does he have no family? He must feel so lonely to have drunk himself so drunk, he must have a reality so hard to face.
That sight made me vow over and over again whenever I glanced at him to always, always prioritise my family and relatives, and friends. I vowed to always keep in contact with my parents, my sister, and all my relatives, and to see them as often as possible, as well as to always be there for them. I will always nurture my relationship with them. I vowed that when I get married and build my own family, they will be the centre of my life. Sure, my career is important, but I don't want to ever break my family apart for my career. For instance, people sometimes go abroad for a while for the sake of their occupational avdancement, but at the cost of leaving their families, spouse or children behind. I will try to never do that. I suppose I am a bit of a hypocrite, because I left Sweden to study in the UK, therefore leaving my parents...but I hope when I have my own family, I will not break it apart.
In the modern society, it seems like it is so easy for families to break apart. In my opinion, family is the only permanent thing we have in our lives in the end. Friends are important, and in no way am I saying they are less important, but they come and go. I wish it wasn't that way, but people move and lose contact, or people simply grow apart. But family, it never comes and goes, you have the same parents, and although you may grow apart or argue like crazy, parents never leave their children. If you get ill and need help in your daily life, it's your spouse or partner or children that will be your primary carer. Your friends will be important, but rarely do they give up a part of their lives to help like family would. So ultimately, to conclude my musing: family is the most important thing in life - moreso than career and money.
P.S. The other day, I saw something funny. A woman was pushing her two children in a pram, and usually prams for two babies are designed with double "beds" adjacent to each other, or on top of each other. This mother's pram only had one "bed", and the two babies were piled on top of each other like pancakes. The one on the bottom looked so uncomfortable, but the one on the top looked like it was having the time of its life. I almost laughed out loud when they passed by.
Random musings
Just some random things I have been thinking about the past week:
Number 1:
I've been busy at my dad's laboratory in a hospital in Stockholm. He works as a medical researcher, and he does cancer research, specifically on telemorase, which is an enzyme, and its over-activity is involved in the genesis of cancer. Anyway, I have been granted the golden opportunity to do an experiment with him regarding this enzyme. We have been culturing and harvesting cancer cells donated by patients from the hospital. I've been telling this to lots of my friends already: I asked my dad if he knew any of these patients. He said he had no idea who they were, and that they are probably dead by now because of their cancers. After he said that, it felt unnatural and strange to be culturing cells of someone who had probably already passed away. I felt almost like I had no right to be swirling the cells in different solutions, pipetting them, and subjecting them to the different substances and machines I have been doing. However, whenever I felt like that, I would look around me, and all the other researchers would be doing similar things. That would make me feel calmer, like I won't be (or at least alone in being) haunted by these donors for the rest of my life. Or that I won't be doomed to hell for keeping parts of the donors. On the bright side, I have really learned a lot about the experiments and the machines and procedures, and it's been really interesting!
Number 2:
Next Monday, ie in 6 days, I will be on my way back to China! I miss my relatives, watermelons, cheap clothes, and I know I will regret this the moment I walk outside the airport, but I even miss the heat and the sun and the humidity! I'm going to be in China until early August. Hopefully, I'll get to tour within China this year, I wanna see some of the cultural and historical things of China before they're all torn down by the "modernisation". I also really hope to be able to go to Hong Kong to go shopping and eating (and least importantly, haha) finally see my boyfriend after another few months apart.
Number 3:
I met an old friend yesterday (old as in from my childhood, not as in age). She's always kept a diary, and for more than a year now, she's set her mind to write an entry every single day, regardless of whether it is many pages long or just a few sentences short. She types them up on the computer, which means that she can sort her entries so that the same days of different years are put next to each other. I think this is a brilliant and inspiring idea, because it would be so interesting to read later on in life, when you are older and wiser, how your thoughts or actions have differed from completely childish to immature to less immature throughout the years (well, hopefully it's in that order).
Philosophical Musing #10
I'm back in Sweden now, in my parent's home. Which also means I have completed my first year of university! I can't really figure out what I feel...besides relieved about surviving the exams (passing is another issue though, but I will try my hardest not to remind myself of that until absolutely fatally necessary!).
Anyway, in Sweden, all the 3rd year high-schoolers are graduating this week. The tradition is to rent a big truck, and have the entire class stand in the container part, and drive around town with music blasting (hello tinnitus!) and beer showers. Seeing all these trucks made me think about the difference between how I felt when I was in their shoes back in June 2008, and how I feel now, i.e. after a year of university.
When I graduated high school, I had not applied for uni yet, and my future was a curious blur to me. I had no idea what would happen, where I would end up studying university, or what I would be studying (although I had a feeling it would be medicine). All I felt was this overwhelming thirst for life, for life beyond school that I have not had the chance to experience. I was just thirsty for experiences, the kind that I could later make into stories to tell my grandchildren in the (faaaar) future. Accompanying this thirst for life was also this confidence-boosting feeling, it made me feel like I could accomplish anything, sorta invincible. I felt young, intelligent, full of energy and life, I believed in myself. I was so optimistic about my future, I could not wait to start to live it. I wanted to make a mark in this world, the world was waiting for my thunder (yes, I said it was confidence-boosting!).
Three years later, today, I feel different, because a big chunk of my future has been destined. I chose medicine, I chose Liverpool, UK, and so my future is not as blurry to me anymore. I don't mean to suggest that my future is set in stone, but unless I experience a severe biographical disruption, I think it's quite reasonable for me to see my future self as a practicing doctor, and possibly practicing in the UK. I am still optimistic, still believe in myself, still feel intelligent (and awesome, haha), still think I can contribute to the world. However, I really miss feeling the mystery and curiosity of my unknown future, which was a big component of feeling invincible. Now I'm like more cautiously anticipating my semi-predictable future.
I'm not implying this difference in my attitude is an absolute negative thing. It's just an observation I made while watching the (what I now regard as annoyingly loud with bad music taste) students celebrate their freedom. But if you ask me, the invincible feeling of having the world at your feet, to feel like there are endless opportunities in regards to your life and future is a very valuable feeling. In my opinion, it's one of the best feelings I have ever experienced, and I have a hunch that it won't come back :( (maybe unless if I happen to quit med-school...!).
Found an old photo!!!! Hah, I remember wearing that dress. The tradition is for girls to wear a white dress, but I wanted to be different, so I wore the most colorful floral dress I had in my closet, hehehe. Wow, and my hair was so long!
Homesick
There was another quote in the film that summarises EXACTLY what I have been feeling lately: You know that point in your life when you realise the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of a home is gone... It's like you're homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. I cannot begin to explain how accurate these few sentences sum a great deal of my recent philosophical thoughts.
The last time I felt like I had a home was a year ago, when I was living with my boyfriend in the flat in London. We had to part ways a year ago, and have only been seeing each other briefly every few months or so. Since then, I've been unseccessfully seeking for another home. However, even when I spent nearly two weeks with him in London during the Easter holidays, I couldn't find that feeling of home anymore. That little flat, that space was so familiar, filled with memories of a wonderful time I will never forget, but no matter how much I tried to tell myself so, it was just not my home anymore. It made me feel miserable, feel lost and lonely. I wanted to go home, I was homesick, but I couldn't figure out where my home was. A place that doesn't even exist, truly.
On a different topic, when I grow up and buy my own house, I want to decorate my dining room with mismatched chairs, like this:
