One reason for not getting kids
Today, when I was on the phone with the BF, we started musing about how things in life happen quite unexpectedly. There was a bunch of "A year ago, did you ever imagine this and that happening??" In retrospect, the past two years of my life have been the most eventful years. Everything has been pretty unpredictable and I've never felt so free and independent before. From au pairing in Nottingham, to moving to London, to living with the BF, to volunteering, to working - nearly every experience has been new and exciting. I didn't put much thought behind these decisions, I just did whatever I wanted to do. Want to get away from Sweden? Well, just go au pairing in another country. Want to live in awesome London? Want to be with BF in London? Well, just freaking move there! That was how my mind reasoned in these situations. The only thing I took seriously and continuously put a lot of thought into was med-school and all the pain in the ass application exams and procedures.
I've been very happy during these spontaneous years. I love the unpredictableness, the adventures, the freedom, the weightlessness. I don't ever want to give any of these up. I am aware that I have to though. I know that starting med-school will tie me down for years and years. I know that being increasingly committed to the BF will tie me down too. I think I can live with those weights. But, I cannot bare the additional weights of children. A child would make it formidable, almost impossible to be as spontaneous as I would like to. It would eliminate that freedom of being able to make spur of the moment decisions.
When I took care of two kids in Nottingham for a family, I experienced partly what it's like to have kids, and I witnessed the immense amount of commitment, responsibility, time and effort the parents put into taking care of the kids. They were so tired everyday, complained that they never had time for anything else but kids and work. They were so tied down to their lives, and everyday seemed to be the same. Day in day out. They were admirable, parents are admirable, that's undeniable. Call me selfish and unadmirable or whatever, but I don't think I could ever live so tied down. I would feel so damn suffocated. I don't want a family with a husband and wonderful children and run a household as a housewife. I want freedom, time, and energy to live. If anyone has read The Hours by Michael Cunningham, I think I would be like the character Laura Brown and end up abandoning my family, and running away from it all. And that would just make me a horrible mother and wife.
Maybe I'll think differently in a few years when my biological clock starts ticking like mad, maybe I'll be desperate for offspring. But until then: no. kids. ever.
I've been very happy during these spontaneous years. I love the unpredictableness, the adventures, the freedom, the weightlessness. I don't ever want to give any of these up. I am aware that I have to though. I know that starting med-school will tie me down for years and years. I know that being increasingly committed to the BF will tie me down too. I think I can live with those weights. But, I cannot bare the additional weights of children. A child would make it formidable, almost impossible to be as spontaneous as I would like to. It would eliminate that freedom of being able to make spur of the moment decisions.
When I took care of two kids in Nottingham for a family, I experienced partly what it's like to have kids, and I witnessed the immense amount of commitment, responsibility, time and effort the parents put into taking care of the kids. They were so tired everyday, complained that they never had time for anything else but kids and work. They were so tied down to their lives, and everyday seemed to be the same. Day in day out. They were admirable, parents are admirable, that's undeniable. Call me selfish and unadmirable or whatever, but I don't think I could ever live so tied down. I would feel so damn suffocated. I don't want a family with a husband and wonderful children and run a household as a housewife. I want freedom, time, and energy to live. If anyone has read The Hours by Michael Cunningham, I think I would be like the character Laura Brown and end up abandoning my family, and running away from it all. And that would just make me a horrible mother and wife.
Maybe I'll think differently in a few years when my biological clock starts ticking like mad, maybe I'll be desperate for offspring. But until then: no. kids. ever.
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