Philosophical Musing #10
I'm back in Sweden now, in my parent's home. Which also means I have completed my first year of university! I can't really figure out what I feel...besides relieved about surviving the exams (passing is another issue though, but I will try my hardest not to remind myself of that until absolutely fatally necessary!).
Anyway, in Sweden, all the 3rd year high-schoolers are graduating this week. The tradition is to rent a big truck, and have the entire class stand in the container part, and drive around town with music blasting (hello tinnitus!) and beer showers. Seeing all these trucks made me think about the difference between how I felt when I was in their shoes back in June 2008, and how I feel now, i.e. after a year of university.
When I graduated high school, I had not applied for uni yet, and my future was a curious blur to me. I had no idea what would happen, where I would end up studying university, or what I would be studying (although I had a feeling it would be medicine). All I felt was this overwhelming thirst for life, for life beyond school that I have not had the chance to experience. I was just thirsty for experiences, the kind that I could later make into stories to tell my grandchildren in the (faaaar) future. Accompanying this thirst for life was also this confidence-boosting feeling, it made me feel like I could accomplish anything, sorta invincible. I felt young, intelligent, full of energy and life, I believed in myself. I was so optimistic about my future, I could not wait to start to live it. I wanted to make a mark in this world, the world was waiting for my thunder (yes, I said it was confidence-boosting!).
Three years later, today, I feel different, because a big chunk of my future has been destined. I chose medicine, I chose Liverpool, UK, and so my future is not as blurry to me anymore. I don't mean to suggest that my future is set in stone, but unless I experience a severe biographical disruption, I think it's quite reasonable for me to see my future self as a practicing doctor, and possibly practicing in the UK. I am still optimistic, still believe in myself, still feel intelligent (and awesome, haha), still think I can contribute to the world. However, I really miss feeling the mystery and curiosity of my unknown future, which was a big component of feeling invincible. Now I'm like more cautiously anticipating my semi-predictable future.
I'm not implying this difference in my attitude is an absolute negative thing. It's just an observation I made while watching the (what I now regard as annoyingly loud with bad music taste) students celebrate their freedom. But if you ask me, the invincible feeling of having the world at your feet, to feel like there are endless opportunities in regards to your life and future is a very valuable feeling. In my opinion, it's one of the best feelings I have ever experienced, and I have a hunch that it won't come back :( (maybe unless if I happen to quit med-school...!).
Found an old photo!!!! Hah, I remember wearing that dress. The tradition is for girls to wear a white dress, but I wanted to be different, so I wore the most colorful floral dress I had in my closet, hehehe. Wow, and my hair was so long!
